Posts Tagged ‘The New Yorker’

To the folks at the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest: Hurry up and find me funny already.

Sunday, February 15th, 2009

Seven times I have tried to get the New Yorker magazine to recognize my cartoon-caption-writing prowess.  Seven times I’ve been snubbed.  Not one of my seven entries has been crowned with the laurels of finalist (for each contest three finalists are chosen), let alone winner.  Each stinging rejection was unfair.

Demonstrably unfair.

Let me demonstrate.

Below are the seven initially silent cartoons, each followed by four captions suggested by contest entrants.  Every set of four includes my own submission mixed in with the three finalists. See if you can spot the the one — mine — that somehow just doesn’t belong in the same class.

. . .

“Have you considered writing this story in the third monkey rather than the first monkey?”

“This page — the one that begins, ‘Who’s there?’ — keep working on that.”

“We’ll have to run it by our infinite number of editors.”

“Sorry, guys. It’s another rejection letter. ”

. . .

“You want to impress me? Drive to the store and get me more beer.”

“Lemme tell ya — and this is from personal experience — knowing how to roll over and play dead comes in much more handy. ”

“Don’t worry—they’ll never actually build it.”

“Trust me, my lessons have way more real-world applications.”

. . .

“He’s always thinking outside the rock.”

“His heart is set on finding a vintage woolly Plymouth.”

“He needed a place to park his wheel.”

“Yeah, but the weirdest thing was, once he built it I suddenly felt compelled to give him a list of things to do around it.”

. . .

“I hate connecting through Roswell.”

“Just a mild case of the sniffles, she says.”

“I don’t care if he’s single-celled, he should have bought two seats.”

“This guy’s wife lets him drink on the plane!”

. . .

“Oh, now you want to talk, when all week it was ‘Do Not Disturb.’”

“Final warning, Mr. Weber. We don’t take kindly to shampoo thieves.”

“I can fluff your pillow the easy way or the hard way.”

“The time is 11:59. You have one minute to check out.”

. . .

“On what planet do you imagine this would be funny?”

“Lemme put it this way — when it comes to funny, me and you don’t see eye to eye.”

“It would work better with an alien.”

“It’s just not funny if she looks so sexy.”

. . .

“The seller is extremely motivated.”

“According to the listing, there’s also a full basement.”

“The heating system is pretty old but very reliable.”

“I strongly recommend that you read the fine print on this one.”

. . .


If the judges at the New Yorker are to be believed, in each instance above you’ve encountered, amid the glorious sounds of three Stradivarius instruments, the raw bleat of a kazoo. You spied a set of rings finely crafted by Tiffany, Cartier, and Harry Winston, to which I contributed a cigar band. Below each cartoon are three sweet flowers, plus a sprig of crabgrass from yours truly.

OK, I’ll stop now and proceed to the question:

Can you tell in each instance which is the dud caption?

Isn’t it obvious?

No?  You say . . . no?

Oh, thus am I vindicated, and bitter no more.

______________

Answer: In each set of four captions, the winner as selected by the New Yorker is first, my own rejected entry second, and the two non-winning finalists third and fourth.

John Updike: Intimate relations with the world

Friday, February 6th, 2009

John Updike died January 27, 2009, at age 76.  Some thoughts:

It was always easy to acquire Updike’s books on the cheap, especially after Couples became a monster best-seller and his publisher, Knopf, got in the habit of printing each subsequent book in an overly-optimist quantity, large enough to build ample stacks on book stores’  remainder tables.   Also, at used book sales organized by libraries and charities in suburban Philadelphia you usually could find copies of earlier and rarer items (poetry, non-fiction), though sometimes sans book jackets. 

As physical objects, the books Knopf produced for Updike were things of delicate beauty, Shaker-like in the simple dryness of their cloth-and-board bindings and crisp clear print on clean paper.  A long marriage of quality writing and quality presentation ensued.  I’m sure Updike, who had a thing for the “thingness” of objects, must have had something to do with this. 

Also notable was the traditional stitch-sewn binding of the books released in the first half of Updike’s career, a mark of quality whose discontinuance sometime in the 1980s could well be cited as a marker of cultural decline.  Let me stop to go downstairs and see if I can tell when this occurred.   (…)  I’m back to report that Updike’s 30th book, the novel Roger’s Version (1986) is stitch-sewn, while his 31st, a 1987 collection of short stories entitled Trust Me, begins the post-lapsarian glue era.

Every reader of Updike soon learns he is an author who had intimate relations with the world and everything in it.  A fresh reminder of this appears in The New Yorker  this week where you’ll find sixteen pages of excerpts from works that appeared in the magazine from 1954 through 2008.  (Updike made more than eight hundred contributions to The New Yorker !) 

Consider, for example, a man’s visit to a dentist’s chair, described in a 1955 short story, “Dentistry and Doubt”:   

     Burton’s heart beat like a wasp in a jar as the dentist moved across the room, did unseeable things by the sink, and returned with a full hypodermic.  A drop of fluid, by some miracle of adhesion, clung trembling to the needle’s tip.  Burton opened his mouth while the dentist’s back was till turned.  When at last the man pivoted, his instrument tilting up, a tension beneath his mustache indicated surprise and perhaps bemusement at finding things at such readiness.  “Open a little wider, please,” he said.  “Thank you.”  The needle moved closer.  It was under Burton’s nose and out of focus.  “Now, this might hurt a little.”  What a kind thing to say!  The sharp prick and the consequent slow, filling ache drove Burton’s eyes up, and he saw the tops of the bare willow trees, the frightening white sky, and the black birds.  As he watched, one bird joined another on the topmost twig, and then a third joined these two and the twig became radically crescent, and all three birds flapped off to where his eyes could not follow them.

     “There,” the dentist sighed, in a zephyr of candy and cloves.

In most of us a visit to the dentist arouses feelings of trepidation and surrender, a condition you might casually liken to that of a baby strapped into a high chair.  We grown-ups are “reduced to an infantile state.”  But Updike avoids that puerile thought and slyly heads straight  for the provocative, in this passage conjuring up, behind the objective reality experienced by the male patient, the unfolding of a parallel scene:  a bedded woman eyeing the approach of her new lover.  Updike and sex is a subject beyond the limits of this post.  But let it be said that this most knowing writer’s intimate relations with the world did not exclude a close connection to his penis, through which he traces a ritual from Cowper’s fluid (clung trembling to the tip) to penetration (slow, filling ache) to release (sigh).